Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You brought string cheese to the strip club
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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