im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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