so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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