TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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