I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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