So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
