Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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