What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize