You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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