My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
