Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
