You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
