So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
