You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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