At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
