I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Sober January is a disaster.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I need a beard to bite.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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