Kareoke will never be a sober sport
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
