New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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