Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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