then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
