would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just high enough for therapy.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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