Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
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