i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
