Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
