I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
