I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
