if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
This house was built for laser tag.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
