Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
