That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
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