Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
