FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize