During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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