apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
