she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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