my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
