You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
