I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
