so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
