The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
