I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
