she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
