Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
