Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
