um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
love makes seman taste better
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
