everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
