Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
