Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
