imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
