My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
