No stitches, just platelets and will power
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
