do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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