We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
