i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This is my gift to your gina
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Randomize
