My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
