I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
