He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Did I show you my penis last night?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
